Ouch!!!

I'm under the weather this week. The geomagnetic weather. I didn't have an easy time getting the wheel to move last night. I wasn't feeling well. And I was having difficulty calming down enough to just do this. I played with the wheel for about 15 minutes before I got to where this video starts. The pinwheel only moves slowly, but at least I got it going.

I've been trying out a pk exercise lately that's a bit hard to describe, but when it works it feels like all this energy is just rushing through you. Usually when I do it, the walls start banging (collateral pk), but the wheel hardly moves at all. This time I tried to feel quiet as the energy rushed by and that seemed to work. And I even forgot about feeling crappy for a few minutes.

Scared Silly

One issue I'm still trying to come to terms with in regards to pk is fear. It scares the hell out of me. I'm trying to deal with it, but it isn't easy. It's like a very bad habit with me. It kicks in on autopilot. It isn't logical or helpful, but it's there.

I was up late talking to a friend about the fear issue last night. I stayed up much later than I should have, but sometimes a good conversation is worth losing sleep for. Anyway, today I'm much too sleepy to be afraid. I just don't have the energy for it. Strangely enough, I think that helped my pinwheel move today.

Giving Up or Giving In?

My PK wheel seems to have a mind of it's own lately. The first video is one where I was trying very hard to get the wheel to move by using my hand to direct the movement. It wouldn't spin for me. Then I gave up and it just started going on it's own. (Awesome!)

The second video is more typical of my attempts to do "canned PK". I'll get the wheel spinning and hope it continues when I take my hand away. Usually it just waffles back and forth a bit.

I do understand that what works is playing and just letting things happen. But sometimes I wish things would happen on schedule instead.

January 16 2012, 10:40 PM EST

January 16 2012, 10:59 PM EST

Merry Christmas

I'm looking forward to seeing this when it comes out. So at least I have something to look forward to in 2012.

There is a movie coming out in the Fall of 2012 about the Esalen Institute and the work that it has inspired. The film will feature Russell Targ, Nick Herbert, Michael Murphy, Ed Kelly, Adam Crabtree, Stanislov Grof, Dana Sawyer, Elizabeth Rauscher, Jeffrey J. Kripal and Charles Tart. Sounds good to me!

SUPERNATURE: Esalen and the Human Potential from Scott Hulan Jones on Vimeo.

What do guardian angels look like?

I was taking a walk through the park this afternoon. It was a nice day here and tomorrow it might rain, so I wanted to get out and enjoy the day. Most of the trails were rather busy, since other people probably had the same idea as me to get out and enjoy the weather. I decided to follow a rarely used trail that goes around the far side of this pond in the park. I thought it would be a quieter walk that way.

That particular path starts up on top of a hill where the edge of the park is bordered by a busy roadway and bike path. It's a nice view of the pond from there, so it tends to be a spot that gets a lot of visitors. I stopped to take pictures of a Blue Heron that was sharing the pond with a large number of Canada Geese.

I was just about to head off on the quiet path around the pond, when this man walking a black lab stopped me. Looking back at this, it was sort of funny how he seemed to come out of nowhere to block my way. He started talking about the geese and the heron. Nothing all that exciting as far as conversation goes. Mostly just chit chat. I petted the dog while he was talking.

When I thought he was finally on his way, he suddenly got very serious and said, "You can't go along that trail. Just go back to the parking lot and follow any of the other trails." I was about to ask him why not. I thought maybe the trail was blocked by fallen trees or something. It seemed rather an odd thing to say. Then he disappeared. Into thin air.

I was trying to figure out what all that was about, when this man passed by me and headed down the trail I was planning to take. He looked out of place. A big burly "biker dude" kind of guy. It's a dog park, and usually you see people with dogs, people with kids, people with cameras, and joggers. When it's warm you might see teenagers looking for a place to hang out. I've never seen a lone biker dude in there before.

I have to say the guy made me nervous. I was glad he passed me where there was lots of traffic going by on the road. I wouldn't want to have been caught alone with that guy. Anyway, I went back through the parking lot and took a different trail before heading home.

Of course, by the time I got home, I thought it was just all silliness on my part. I facetiously asked for a sign that a ghost had actually saved my butt today. And then my kitchen light burnt out.

As a buddy of mine says, "There's your answer."

Out and About

I was in an interesting part of the city on Sunday. It's a neighborhood with old houses, lots of coffee shops, a few awesome restaurants, interesting gift shops and my favorite used bookstore. I'm sure every city has one of these neighborhoods. There are beautiful old houses that for part of their history had fallen into disrepair as it became too expensive to fix up the old treasures when compared to the price of moving to the suburbs. But then people stopped wanting to make that commute with the heavy traffic and high price of gas, so things got fixed up. It's one of the most desirable areas of the city to live in once again and is known for a well developed sense of community.

I'm not a huge fan of cities, but I do like old neighborhoods that are enjoying this kind of renewal. On Sunday morning you'll see families walking to church, joggers out for their morning runs and people saying "hi" to neighbors at the local coffee shops. It reminds me of living in a small town, which is something I miss. In the suburbs people just drive by each other and hardly ever say "hello".

I had arrived too early for any of the shops to be open on Sunday morning, so I decided to treat myself to a coffee while I waited. I was a little worried about being in a crowded coffee shop. I'm not good in crowds. But I had my ipod with me and it was charged up and ready to go if I needed to distract myself from everything feeling like too much. That's why I hate crowds. It just feels like too much information coming at me all the time. So I put on my ipod and turn up the volume to drown it out when it gets to me.

My ghost friend Al showed up when I was having coffee. That didn't come as a surprise to me since he often shows up when I'm in crowded places. Al's been talking me through how to get by without having to resort to using my ipod to block everything out. I've made progress too. I didn't have my ipod on this time. I wasn't even feeling the urge to put it on. I was just sitting in the coffee shop, enjoying my coffee and watching all the colors.

Everybody has colors. Some are more fun to watch then others. I particularly like the way a mom's colors will sometimes reach out and surround her children. Almost like a hug. And it's fun to watch people who are attracted to each other, especially when they have just met. (Yes, sparks really do fly.)

Al's been telling me to just look at the colors and focus on specific bits rather than getting overwhelmed by everything at once. It's harder than it sounds. I used to try to block out everything and that doesn't work. You have to at least pay attention to a bit of it. It's kind of like trying to listen to one person talking in a room full of people with something to say. That is easier to do than pretending the room is quiet.

So Al and I were talking about the fact that I was doing OK. We didn't talk all that long. He just pointed out that I had made progress and then he left. I didn't expect him to just leave me like that. I was counting on him to stay and talk me through things the way he usually does. But he left.

I was a bit sad and confused at first. Why would Al just leave like that? Did I do something wrong? But I sat there drinking my coffee and the universe didn't collapse. I kept watching colors and everything was fine.

I had a nice day shopping. I found a cute Christmas gift for my mom and enjoyed going through books at my favorite used book store. There was a ghost at the book store who walked through a bookshelf and gave me a bit of a surprise, but I was OK. I found four books that looked interesting enough to buy, so I was glad I went.

I never did resort to wearing the ipod. I talked to people instead. That's the nice thing about such neighborhoods, people do talk to one another. One lady told me about her life as the wife of an American Marine and how she ended up in Canada, a long way from her native Japan. Another person had a discussion about her dog with me when I stopped to pet it. She told me that I should have a dog, since they seem to like me so much.

I did miss talking to Al though. I know why he left me there on my own to fend for myself. It was because I'm up to the task now. I hope Al still has other things to show me in the future, because I've learned a lot from him and I would miss him if he never visited. But if he doesn't, I'm grateful that I got to spend the time I have had with him.

I think that we all tend to take people for granted. We can't imagine them moving on to other things and not being around the same way forever. Just look back at who your best friends were in high school or university and think about how those relationships have changed. I guess I kind of thought Al would always be there talking me through situations that are hard for me. It didn't occur to me that he might not always have to.

Wherever you are today, Al, I wish you well.

Je me souviens

I haven't had much luck doing my pk experiment for the past week and a half. It's like on some level I just can't do this right now. I don't know why. On Tuesday morning I woke up having totally forgotten about ever having done the experiment. I forgot about everything weird. Everything. Don't ask me how. I just did. It's like one morning out of the blue, I woke up normal. Normal just like I've always wanted. It was pretty nice.

I got up and made myself a coffee. I saw the pinwheels sitting on the table near my computer, but they didn't even register with me. I just sat down, turned on my laptop and didn't think about them at all. But then my coffee cup moved. I reached for it and it slid across the table towards my hand.

I almost screamed. I did cry. I started to remember again.

I'm always surprised each week when I type up my log book in order to send a weekly report to a researcher. I don't remember most of what I've written down, and yet there it is. It's my handwriting, so I know it's my experiences. I've known for a long time that if I don't write unusual experiences down, they become forgotten or at least they seem unreal. More like a dream than anything else. It was only through finding old journals from my teens and 20's that I realised how long I've been having experiences.

If I didn't have video of the pinwheel turning, I would forget that it's possible. That's why I get pretty obsessive with trying to record as much as possible. So I can watch and remember.

The only psi experience I've never forgotten is my adult NDE. Why do I keep that, but lose everything else? I have no idea. I think it's remembering that experience that keeps bringing me back to the other experiences that I do keep forgetting.

I wouldn't still be here if I weren't an NDEr. I know that sounds odd. Why would almost dying make it any easier to be here? I already know that whatever happens, I'll get to go home someday. I miss being home, so why prolong the wait?

It's even hard for me to understand why I have to wait to go back, but I just know that I do. This life is so full of beauty, even in the worst of situations. People don't always see it, but it's there. And sometimes, like on a warm autumn day, it's so beautiful that it makes you want to cry. That's when anyone can see how beautiful this life really is.

So I stay here, in this life. Even though I'm feeling homesick and lost. Even though I want so badly to be normal. I'm not quite sure what normal is, but it sounds pretty nice. I think it's a sense of belonging here, like everyone else does. I feel like I belong somewhere else.

Maybe forgetting is just part of being normal. My husband is normal and he forgets unusual experiences all the time. Like they never happened. Poof! They are gone and his universe stays intact. But it takes me longer to forget. Long enough to write things down. Long enough to keep asking questions about what just happened.

I do think it's my NDE that makes the difference. It's this beacon that I keep following back to where I remember who I am. I've spent so much time trying to find that particular quality of light in this world. The light that I'm so homesick for. The NDE light. The more time I spend in this place the more it becomes apparent that it isn't about finding my way back to the light, it's about seeing it and creating it here. It's about remembering that we all carry it with us.